and no expectations."
this past year has been one of unrealized dreams and postponed goals for me. not for want of trying. not for lack of initiation. but for a loss of focus. day to day work has taken over my life. or life has become obscured by my day to day work. no one should have to (or choose to) work 70-80+ hours a week and sacrifice one's home and friends. one's creativity. indeed, one's very life.
i find myself wondering "why? why have i done this?" reflectling deeply brings the answer in a hushed whisper: "to hide. hide from your feelings. hide from the world. hide from whatever."
when you hide for so long, you forget who you are. how you are. how to move forward. to climb out of the pit you have dug. you become overwhelmed and long to dig deeper. to hide better. but there is only one way out of this trap.
small. deliberate. actions.
so i begin to stitch again. to be more mindful of the life food i take into my body. to stretch and play music. to say "no" gently, but firmly, when asked to take up the gauntlet of un-covered shifts at the cottage. to venture forth into the world with small steps with no expectations beyond to move in some direction. to not just look, but to see each moment. quietly. thoughtfully. savour each step, no matter how small or great, for it is a step to another place. another moment.
this is as close to a new year's resolution as i will come. and it is well and good.
may you all find your moments of joy and fulfillment throughout the new year!