getting lost

"it's okay to get lost

every once in a while,

sometimes getting lost

is how we find ourselves..."
-robert  tew

ever wake up in the middle of the night and feel like you don't know who you are anymore? like you took one too many turns without being present and now nothing looks... right?

last night i woke into one of these moments and wandered into the sewing studio and just sat there. communed with a few of my stitched and dyed fragments. expressions, really, of self. tiny bits of who i am. or was. or am yet to become. who knows which?

i need to be present more. to myself. to the expression of my own fragments. i've wandered... strayed a bit too far. become lost. 

it's time to find me again..

namasté

considering edges

"i want to stand

as close to the edge

as i can

without going over.

out on the edge

you see all kinds of things

you can't see

from the center."

-kurt vonnegut

the skies this morning are sitting on the edge between endless sunshine and thunderous storms. the morning itself is and edge. between darkness and light. chill and warmth. is it no small wonder that i find myself considering edges?

in art, no matter the medium, the edge is as important as the center, the focus, of the piece.  how that edge is contained. or left wild and free. how the edges interact with the environment around it. do the edges set boundaries? redirecting the eye back into the center. or do they invite the viewer to explore new vistas? drawing one beyond the confines of the piece into unknown territories.

when we entertain going beyond the edges, we talk about pushing the envelope. this implies that we are inside the envelope. with everyone else. trapped. constrained. that we are trying to find the edges on the outside. so we can move them. but if we simply move the edges, we are still sitting safely inside them.

i prefer to think of edges as doorways. passages beyond, yes, but also portals of return. allowing us to roam the endless possibilities while still beckoning us home once again. to rediscover ourselves in light of new understandings. new experiences.  to explore the treasures we find elsewhere. the ideas. the techniques. and to integrate them with our own evolving sense of style and interaction with the world through our art.

will you step through that doorway?

namaste'

a fail is not a failure

"you don't have to

change your goal.

change your path,

be willing to, and

do not see that

as a failure.

that's just life."

-diane hendricks

there seems to be some sort of rusty or corroded metal that does not transfer rust to other things.  whatever the particulates were in my rust mush is of this metal.  it left absolutely no marks on the fragment.  rather than counting this as a failure, i figure i've learned something.  i'm not quite certain of some of the details of that learning. ha! but learning was had.

next step was to pull out some rusty bits from my other stash and star rusting a ground line. also, to grab those new swirly bits from the newly plasma whacked steel plate and rust some stylized clouds with them.  in this process, i found several of my rusty bits that are of the same particulate structure that populated the rust mush and ended up with blank spots.  aaargh!  ok.  learning was had again.

rusty old hand-forged square nails came next to create some tall grasses.  oh, and a tiny rusty moose acquired at a craft show or through etsy or somewhere no longer remembered.  i figured i'd really montana this fragment up a bit!

tadah!  a foundation of rust depiction is achieved!  now to liven this cloth up with some thread chanting and stitch sketching.  maybe some beads. a little piecing. who knows what all else will put in an appearance by the time this fragment is fully realized?!?

but for now...i am at peace with the direction it is taking and quietly enjoying the serene tableau...

namaste'

moon dance

"there are nights

when the wolves 

are silent

and only the

moon howls."

-george carlin

on nights such 

as these, 

the rabbits dance.

it has been a strange and tumultuous year here at manhandled threads.  struggles with depression, physical injury, emotional trauma.  one does not like to think on things such as these.  but to live fully in the moment, one cannot run away from them.  i used to think they were things that had to be endured. i have learned, rather, that they must be embraced. otherwise, one can never make peace with the disturbance.

i have recently been laid off, due to lack of work. the lay off is with "job attached"...which apparently means there is a promise of re-employment when things pick up.  it makes the insurance issues a lot simpler. it also affords me more time to look for something more rewarding for work. as well as it allows me more time to pursue my creative endeavours. hence my digging through long neglected trunks and baskets of late, revitalizing old cloths.  

in the spirit of spring, perhaps, i seem to be drawn to rabbits once again.  if you follow my instagram, you've no doubt been seeing them hop by more often.  this small cloth, moon dance, is one i started a couple years ago and then lost touch with.  it seems fitting to re-emerge now, in a time when i am seeking to fly once more...

namaste'

the tangled thread

there are moments when i feel like one of these tangled balls of thread. thrust among so many other tangled threads. not always knowing where my tangled bits end and another's begin. it is not a comfortable bowl to be tossed into for one who likes ones threads to be tidy...

namaste'

small actions - no expectations

"small actions,

quiet

and no expectations."

-anna lisa

this past year has been one of unrealized dreams and postponed goals for me. not for want of trying. not for lack of initiation. but for a loss of focus. day to day work has taken over my life. or life has become obscured by my day to day work. no one should have to (or choose to) work 70-80+ hours a week and sacrifice one's home and friends. one's creativity. indeed, one's very life.

i find myself wondering "why? why have i done this?" reflectling deeply brings the answer in a hushed whisper: "to hide. hide from your feelings. hide from the world. hide from whatever."

when you hide for so long, you forget who you are. how you are. how to move forward. to climb out of the pit you have dug. you become overwhelmed and long to dig deeper. to hide better. but there is only one way out of this trap.

small. deliberate. actions.

so i begin to stitch again. to be more mindful of the life food i take into my body. to stretch and play music. to say "no" gently, but firmly, when asked to take up the gauntlet of un-covered shifts at the cottage. to venture forth into the world with small steps with no expectations beyond to move in some direction. to not just look, but to see each moment. quietly. thoughtfully. savour each step, no matter how small or great, for it is a step to another place. another moment.

this is as close to a new year's resolution as i will come. and it is well and good.

may you all find your moments of joy and fulfillment throughout the new year!

namaste'

forgetting as an option

"wouldn't it be nice

to just live for today

and let the past

just slip away."

-robert boughter

as many of you know, i work four nights a week at a local green house cottage for the elderly with alzheimer's. most people who hear about what i do immediately think "how awful! those poor people who are forgetting everything. how can you stand it?"  i even had someone suggest that this must be doubly terrible since our guests are at the end of their lives so they are "just going to die on you, so how can you invest so much in them? especially since they won't even remember all that you are doing for them!" my answer to these, and many other similar questions, is always the same: how can i not?

while it is true that i have attended more funerals in the past four years that i have worked in the cottages than most people will attend in a dozen lifetimes, our guests have provided me with more joy and fulfillment than i could ever have hoped for in life. i am so fortunate to be able to share in their daily wonder and delight. to be be a part of their lives and families. to be humbled by their trust and unconditional love. not to mention the plethora of lessons and wisdom i have had bestowed upon me by their very act of living.

one of these lessons is how forgetting can bring contentment. true, our guests have little choice in what they have forgotten. or when they forget. but they do get to choose how they will respond to their forgetting, and most of them choose to respond with joy. the joy of living in the moment. from the guest who is only just entering into the early stages of the disease who fills in the blank spots in her memory with happy alternatives, right on down to the gentle lady who introduces herself to me every time she sees me whether it was yesterday, or less than five minutes ago, and does so with a smile in her eyes and joy in her heart at meeting someone new that she can welcome into her home!

these amazing and beautiful people live in the now. find joy and peace in each moment, in spite of their physical and mental maladies. how can i not try to honor them by seeking to do the same? it isn't always easy. i struggle with depression and loneliness. but i have so many shining examples around me who are struggling with so much more.

one arena that i am focusing on in this moment, is to bring this forgetting into my art as an option. by this i mean that i want to try and forget to judge everything i do. to move forward with each peace in joy and be content with its outcome. to forget what other people my think and say about my art based upon their own biases and opinions, and to create for the simple sake of creating something beautiful and wonderful to my own eye. just as our guests in the cottages live each moment in each day. forgetting the pain and the slights life, and often family, have offered them, in favor of finding joy in a cupcake...or the warmth of a caring touch.

i once had a guest who was blind, in the advanced stages of alzheimer's, and suffered from crippling arthritis, who always knew it was me before i even reached  her room and greeted me with a big smile no matter how much pain she was in. i asked her how she always knew it was me and could always remember my name but no one else's. she told me it was because whenever she heard the jingle of keys on my belt heading down the hall, she knew that "joe, who has kind hands" was coming to see her and it always made her happy. of how she always looked forward to "seeing" the highly textural cloths that i made with her in mind. of how she enjoyed spending time, telling me about the things she "saw" in my art cloth through her fingers.

she has been gone for two years now, but i can't think of her without a smile touching my lips and a tear washing my cheek. it is for her, and those like her, that i mean to strive to create art with forgetting as an option...

namaste'

buddhist moon?

i've been playing around with a minor mixture of free-motion machine embroidery and hand embroidery on some scraps intended to become a greeting card for a friend with wildwood affiliations, and since there is a blue moon mounting in a few days, it seems to have become a focal point in this little dalliance. why the coneflowers decided to join the party in deep indigo frocks is beyond my understanding. ha!

meanwhile, another friend was asking me why i have such a strong affiliation with lunar cycles and with full and new moons in particular. she seemed to be under the misunderstanding that this sort of "stuff" was for pagans and so forth. but to buddhists, there is special "religious" significance especially on full moon days as many important and outstanding events are said to have occurred on these days. the buddha (referring to the gautama buddha) was born on a full moon day. his renunciation took place on a full moon day. his enlightenment, the delivery of his first sermon, his passing into nibbana, and many other important events associated with his 80 year lifespan all took place on full moon days. because of this, buddhists around the world tend to look more intently at their own spirituality and practice on full moon days. in many buddhist countries, full and new moon days were once declared to be public holidays. in some, this practice is gaining popularity once more.

of course, i live in a country with a very diverse spiritual and cultural panorama so i doubt i shall be getting a day off work every 14 days anytime in the near future. ha! but i still enjoy marking the cycles of the moon and the moon has a prominent place in my art and consciousness. perhaps it's time for me to revisit rabbit moon for the next few days...

namaste'

body bling concept sketches

since i've been asked both in comments and via email (thanks to valerianna for the idea for the term, body bling!), here are the initial snow lion concept sketches for the next phase of my sleeve (you can click on them for larger images). they'll be changing a bit as the male is being redrawn to be moving up toward the female and then i'm having the space around them filled with chrysanthemum blossoms.

i'm still toying with colors...i'm thinking of having the male (2nd pic) done in red with yellow accents and the female (1st pic) in blue with green accents. of course, knowing chris (my amazing tattoo artist), there will be a full pallet (the tibetan skull has 16 colors in it)!

onces these beauties are completed, i'll have to have him go back in and fill some of the blank space around the ceremonial skull with something to close the space up a bit... i'm thinking cherry blossoms. or bamboo. i'm not sure. it's still open for suggestion.

it would seem that i am taking my storytelling into new realms... there is definitely a story being whispered by my body ink. perhaps it will want to be told in cloth as well at some point....

namaste'

the magic feather project and personal symbols

jude hill is hosting a wonderful charity event call the magic feather project. in her words, "the magic feather project is a collective stitching project focused on creative sharing and giving." it is an exciting adventure and has really rekindled a lot of sentiments in my own work as well as in others'! 

these two feathers pictured above are my first two for the project. the feather on the left is stitched on a 5" square of vintage silk slub changeable moire drapery from my childhood home (mom gifted me with the drapes for my first apartment...i've used them in various homes and finally retired them to my fabric stash). some feathers have journeyed farther...flown harder...soared higher...than others. though worn and tattered, their beauty still graces those who gaze upon them.  this feather is amongst others in this trait. no stripes for this one...though the line is a bit worn and tattered... it rests in the center where two circles come together (a personal symbol for home and hearth).  the feather on the right is a variation of jude's striped feather...but with polka dots...and rests on a 5" square of silk slub drapery retired from my first art studio.  it is flanked by polka dots and tiny "x's". i know there is personal meaning in them, but their whispers are too soft for me to hear right now...

throughout jude's workshops, she talks about personal symbols...and shows us their magic in her work.  i have always been aware of this concept in jude's work. but, for some reason, through this project, the idea and presence of personal symbols have taken on a new importance for me.  i find myself pondering late into the night on my own personal symbols...like the double circle in the first feather block above...and asian bats...coins...skulls...ganesh...leaves...twigs...holey stones...and a host of others.  already, ideas are germinating and new direction in my work is forming.  it will be interesting to begin to pay attention to that which was already there...and to watch those newly forming...as i move forward and release them in my artwork....

for this, and so much more, i am eternally grateful to jude...

namaste'