pande…monium

 “i am an artist you know…

it is my right to be mad!”

-e.a. buchianneri

my grasp on this blog has always been tenuous at best. so many avenues with more immediate gratification pulling me in other directions like instagram and facebook. then the pandemic loomed large and out of control. furloughed and depressed, i turned inward, reaching out through those other mediums as they were simpler. faster. required less of me. but is that truly healthy? does it instill creativity? foster artistic growth?

one thing that i have always loved about blogging is that it requires me to look deeper. examine. uncover. share…but with something more. to do so simply for the sake of being honest with myself. more open with myself.

when it comes down to it, i  blog because i want to give that voice a venue in which to whisper. to allow myself the space to see what it is i’m creating from a different perspective…and if that imparts some insight to others, then it is doubly blessed. if nothing else, then at least it shares the inner workings of a madman amidst his creative expressions!

namasté

a jolly little frolic

 “of course there is

a santa claus!”

-truman capote 

taking a break today from all the tiny stitching and having a jolly little frolic through santa’s workshop. stitching a sleepy little santa in his pajamas! he already makes me smile!

fabrics are by tim holtz (except for the skin which is grunge by basicgrey. next up is stuffing and beard making!

namasté

trying a different path

"if plan "a" didn't work out,

the alphabet has 25 more letters."

the apple cores seem beyond my ability to concentrate at the moment. i need something a little less taxing.  a ten thousand pyramid quilt is just the ticket! i have a plethora of small scraps and these tiny two inch triangles are looking pretty awesome.

no plan. no color scheme. just random pulls from the scrap baskets. pull. cut. stitch. repeat. with the first seven rows completed, i'm well on my way to a very large quilt! 

during this covid-19 pandemic and the resulting social distancing and lockdowns, a project like this can be very calming. especially when you just don't want to think for a while...

namaste'

cranking away

time. fragments. rust. sewing machines. emotions.

all cranking away. i get lost sometimes. these past few years perhaps more than before. could be my age? or maybe simply that i haven't been present of late.

i've pulled out one of my hand crank machines to help me slow down a bit. be here more.

my wrists keep me from doing too much hand work at a time. carpal tunnel. there. i've said it aloud. not thinking about it will not make it unhappen.

time to listen more closely to the whispers. hear the stories my collection of fragments have to tell. help them unfold and manifest...

namaste'

thread chanting

"chanting is the

waxing moon

that spreads the white

lotus of good fortune

for all living entities."

-sri  chaitanya-caritamrita

if you have followed me for any length of time, you've heard me speak of needle chanting many times. it is a term coined by jude hill long ago, referring to the meditative nature of hand sewing and kantha stitch. lately I have found myself contemplating this concept in my own work and how the focus has shifted.

needle chanting becomes thread chanting. the focus moves from the act (needle) to the legacy (thread). from chanting to that which was chanted, and its lingering effects.

chanting is very powerful because it aligns our core energy, centers and raises our personal vibration through vocal resonance. it is much the same with stitching slow cloth. a meditative process that chants with needle and thread. holding self in the present. creating with intention. the silent chant of needle echoing softly as thread is pulled through fragments of cloth. the voice of slow cloth, a quiet voice of the soul. silent whispers becoming the roar of peace, harmony, creativity, and all possibilities!

namasté

getting lost

"it's okay to get lost

every once in a while,

sometimes getting lost

is how we find ourselves..."
-robert  tew

ever wake up in the middle of the night and feel like you don't know who you are anymore? like you took one too many turns without being present and now nothing looks... right?

last night i woke into one of these moments and wandered into the sewing studio and just sat there. communed with a few of my stitched and dyed fragments. expressions, really, of self. tiny bits of who i am. or was. or am yet to become. who knows which?

i need to be present more. to myself. to the expression of my own fragments. i've wandered... strayed a bit too far. become lost. 

it's time to find me again..

namasté

"writing in a journal reminds

you of your goals and of

your learning in life.

it offers a place where

you can hold a deliberate,

thoughtful conversion

with yourself."

-robin s. sharma

sometimes time slips. unexpectedly. swiftly. disappears from before your eyes. it's almost like taking a wild ride in the tardis with your very own personal doctor who! 

it's been rather like this here on my blog. i got swept away by allure of instant gratification of instagram. don't misunderstand, mind you. i love instagram! but it moves so quickly. makes it difficult to gather ones thoughts. so i find myself drawn back to the wellspring of my blog.

a blog can truly be one's journal. that place where you can explore thoughts. share them. get feedback. wander from room to room in one's imagination.

a place to jot down notes and thoughts to come back to and develop further. 

to collaborate. drink from the wellspring and refresh oneself.

i think i shall be spending more and more time here, once again...

namaste'

considering edges

"i want to stand

as close to the edge

as i can

without going over.

out on the edge

you see all kinds of things

you can't see

from the center."

-kurt vonnegut

the skies this morning are sitting on the edge between endless sunshine and thunderous storms. the morning itself is and edge. between darkness and light. chill and warmth. is it no small wonder that i find myself considering edges?

in art, no matter the medium, the edge is as important as the center, the focus, of the piece.  how that edge is contained. or left wild and free. how the edges interact with the environment around it. do the edges set boundaries? redirecting the eye back into the center. or do they invite the viewer to explore new vistas? drawing one beyond the confines of the piece into unknown territories.

when we entertain going beyond the edges, we talk about pushing the envelope. this implies that we are inside the envelope. with everyone else. trapped. constrained. that we are trying to find the edges on the outside. so we can move them. but if we simply move the edges, we are still sitting safely inside them.

i prefer to think of edges as doorways. passages beyond, yes, but also portals of return. allowing us to roam the endless possibilities while still beckoning us home once again. to rediscover ourselves in light of new understandings. new experiences.  to explore the treasures we find elsewhere. the ideas. the techniques. and to integrate them with our own evolving sense of style and interaction with the world through our art.

will you step through that doorway?

namaste'

a sense of home

"there is nothing

half so pleasant as

coming home again."

-margaret elizabeth sangster

in the midst of a flurry of rust dyeing for new projects and my new etsy store, i find myself drawn to my collection of wip's and ufo's. not in melancholic yearning, but as drawn to old friends whom i've not seen in a long time.

there is a comfort in knowing they are there. waiting. ready to pick up where we left off. harboring the glowing embers of fond memories. memories that rise with open arms and envelope you in a warm sense of home.

it's heartening to know these friends are there. will be there. whenever needed. even when they are temporarily misremembered...

namasté

petting the beast

"sometimes you wake up.

sometimes the fall kills you.

and sometimes,

when you fall, you fly."

-neil gaiman

revisiting this tonal quilt. drawn first to its colors. they suited the quiet, somber mood that prevails this morning. as more snow blankets the countryside with an eerie silence, my thoughts dig deep. deeper.

isn't it strange how inspiration can both motivate and terrify at the same time? like something soft, warm and fuzzy. masking pointy teeth and scratchy claws with an unreliable disposition. is it any wonder many artists find themselves at an impasse at times?

best to pet the beast and get it over with.

though sometimes i simply want to eye it warily, sink deeper into the fireside chaise, and wait for it to make the first move...

namasté

changing perspective

"when i let go

of what i am,

i become

what i might be."

-lao tzu

these lovely rust dyed cotton fragments
were a gift from a delightful follower
on instagram (@pwendy). this buddha is
joyfully sporting new threads until inspiration
moves them in another direction!

a comment i made to erik shipley of ship's manor on instagram the other day was very enlightening for me once it took root in my consciousness.  a simple statement made about my style of knitting. something i have said a thousand times about being a process knitter rather than being results driven. one of those *aha!* moments that suddenly through open the drapes that have shrouded my perception about my own creative style. not only am i a process knitter, but i am a process artist!

this was a very liberating realization. freeing me of years of self-judgment and ofttimes debilitating criticism about harboring a plethora of unfinished work. reminding me of the joy i experience in simply creating for the sake of creating, not to race to complete something for the sake of being done with it. the many creations that rest in various stages of growth are just that: resting in a stage of growth. of evolution. all a part of my enjoying their process of creation. no longer accusing. no longer judging. but celebrating whatever process they are in. whatever step they are at along the path each moment. rather like a reminder of the way i try to live my life. in the moment. not grasping and judging but enjoying. celebrating.

there is something to be learned from these emerging fragments of the creative process. something delightful and invigorating!

namasté

being open

"we all get so caught up

in the moment

of what we're doing every day,

it's hard to hit that reset button

and get pulled away 

from all that and see

life from a different perspective."

-tony stewart

this year has been a year of thinking. thinking about doing. thinking about what to do. thinking about how to do. what to do it with. not a lot of doing. just a lot of being stuck. being. stuck. you have to hold on to those two words separately. together they are too daunting. too damning. strung together, they accuse. they mock. they label.

being stuck: you are stuck. 

but separate, they hold the key to liberation from that accusation.

being. stuck.  

separate, they allow growth and hope.  being: the state of life and experience. stuck: a lack of movement. dormancy. you don't condemn a seed for not yet blossoming into a glorious plant. you nurture it. encourage it to grow. so why do we disparage ourselves when we become dormant? stuck?

it is time for me to focus on the first word. being.  when we break the statement, being stuck, down this way, we can allow ourselves to grow. there is an open-endedness to being. a promise of something more. something different. now it is being full.

being full.
      of promise.
             of hope.
                  of potential.

namaste'

broken heart mending

"it is only with true love and compassion

that we can begin to mend what

is broken in the world.

it is these two blessed things

that can begin to mend all broken hearts."

-steve maraboli

ordinarily, the news is avoided in my house. too much hate and violence in the world. the news industry feeds on it. sensationalizes it. attempts to make it pedestrian in order to find new horrors to parade across our minds.  but in a world wrapped so tightly in social media and visual stimuli, some fragments still manage to find their way in. tv screens posted strategically at the gym. memes dancing across various streams on smartphones and tablets.  there's only such much one can filter out.  it is in times like these that i am grateful to lead a sheltered life with my saint bernard, bodhi, and the resident cat, piper.  their sweet soft eyes and truly unconditional love are a gentle reminder of just how healing love and compassion are. would that we could all see the world through such eyes. would that we could all remember that our own broken hearts are not unlike anyone else's. would that we could all see the beauty in the world through the kaleidoscopic cracks in our hearts. would that we could allow compassion to pour through those cracks in an array of rainbow colors.  would that we could all simply see. truly see with our hearts and know joy.

namaste'

into lighter moments

"the relationship

between reader and writer

is reciprocal in a way.

we co-create each other.

we are constantly emerging

out of the relationship

we have with others."

-ruth ozeki

while bodhi does not seem to have the same sense of relish for the gently wafting snow sachi once had, i find it immensely invigorating each morning and evening as i drag him out into the cold, crisp air for our four mile constitutional! though, i must say, he sure enjoys snuggling down at my feet afterward as I quietly needle chant.

each stitch i add to community brings me further from the dark avenues my mind has be traveling. into lighter moments. bringing with the light a sense of belonging. to something other than.  it lifts my spirits and makes it easier to take the next stitch...and the next...and the next.  sluggish ideas begin to move through velvet embrace. awaken.  whisper.

it is good.  perhaps the moss will begin to be scraped from this stone as it begins rolling once more. however slowly at first...

namaste'

boo!

joyous all hallow's eve to you all in whatever form you choose to celebrate it! bodhi and i spent a quiet night with a few friends, breaking bread, sharing sweets with neighboring children, and then snuggling on the davenport watching hocus pocus and allowing our respective surgeries time to heal. it is our sincerest wish that you all are enjoying the evening as much as we have been!

namastě

buzz, buzz, buzz!

"when the flower blossoms,

the bee will come."

-srikumar rao

introducing bodhi, my new little st. bernard puppy! he is just 8 months old and already weighs almost 100 pounds!  oh my, but he's gonna be a BIG boy! he's a sweet little doll baby that was rescued from an abusive home where he spent his first 5 months ignored and cooped up in a tiny kennel. the a-hole who had him bought him from the breeder and then abused him this way, letting him out only to go potty and then right back in. he was being fed the cheapest, worst food and was severely malnourished until the guy's sister confiscated him and nursed him back to health.

two weeks ago, he came to live with me. he didn't respond to the name they had given him (thor) so i started calling him bodhi, which is the buddhist term for wisdom.  he immediately responded and so it stuck.

i've been away from my blog lately as i injured my hand 6 weeks ago and have been unable to stitch, no matter how many times i've tried. my hand is numb and tingly like it's fallen asleep all the time. i herniated the bursa in my wrist which had caused 2 cysts on my bones and one ganglion cyst on my wrist that is wrapped around an artery and sitting on a nerve.  i go in for surgery this coming friday.  then it'll be a couple weeks in a splint and then physical therapy, so there won't be any stitchery or music for a while, but i will find other things to share in the meantime...

namasté

to re-establish a sense of belonging

a bit of needle chanting on an often re-visited cloth, mind flowers.  no real reason to have chosen this cloth over any other. just the need to stitch without much thought. this cloth has many chant sessions to go before it will be fully realized. so it is as good as any to re-establish a relationship with fibre. a sense of belonging to something other than.  a union with cloth and community through stitch.

i spend too much time alone...

namaste'

perhaps...perhaps...perhaps...

"great ideas emerge

from useless fragments

of  thoughts."

-michael bassey johnson

perhaps time has slipped and left me along the selvage. sidelined. overlooked. perhaps this creates space. for thoughts. for dreams. perhaps what we think fills this space really only fills the expanse beside the space. like cloth filled with color and image beside the selvage.  

i seem to get lost all too frequently in these edges. of time and space.  perhaps it is simply a side effect of depression. or merely a forgetting to be present. perhaps i can nudge something from this stagnation. poke the hibernating bear, as it were.

play with some of these fragments. arrange a bit of a shrine, if you will. some tiny vignette  on my worktable to entice an idea. or three. from the ethers. to draw me away from the selvage and back into the tapestry of color...

namaste'

playing through the pain

"music washes away

from the soul

the dust

of everyday life."

-red auerbach

a few days ago, a log was dropped on my right foot, breaking two toes and smashing two others. talk about an extreme way to slow oneself down!  even though occupational rehab seems to think that the weekend is all i needed away from the craziness at my construction job to heal enough to return to climbing ladders and hauling steel, i'm still finding ways to take it easy.

i wanted to stitch this weekend...the gods know how much i miss my needle chanting!  but the pain just wouldn't allow me to focus.  so i turned to music.  strumming quietly upon one of my treasured dulcimers. it got me to thinking. i have a wonderful dulcimer collection, but have never catalogued them.  so i started rounding them all up and tracking down the various scraps of paper and digital files containing what information i have on each of them (some are better documented than others). 

these two lovelies are the ones that started my love affair with appalachian dulcimers.  the one on the left is by a wonderful luthier by the name of joe sanguinette (now deceased). it is made of walnut with a purpleheart fret board and dogwood inlaid centers on the hand-cut dogwood pattern sound holes.  it is one of two prototypes that he never put into production because they were too time intensive.  i was lucky enough to acquire this one, with the help of my mother, while he kept the other one (which ended up on ebay some years ago and sadly escaped my bids to be shipped to a buyer in england).  the one of the left is by jack lyle of waynesville, nc (also, now deceased).  this one is made from spalted wormy maple and has a quilted maple back and a mahogany fret board.  where the sanguinette has a lovely, mellow voice, the lyle has a bright, cheerful one.

as i began assembling all of my dulcimers in one place in my home (until now, they've always been scattered throughout the house - tucked in closets, under beds, displayed on shelves, in cabinets and on walls), i realized that i had quite a few more than i thought i did. thirty-six, to be exact. unless there are others lurking about that i don't remember owning...

the most recently acquired, and the most unusual, is this mandolin-dulcimer hybrid by eric holland of dark star guitars in eastern kansas.  eric started by deconstructing a pre-1895 bowl-back mandolin by luigi ricca, then completely rebuilding and restructuring it into a new walk-about style dulcimer.  his workmanship is superb and the sound is amazing!  i can hardly wait to get acclimated to its nuances and subtle differences from a traditional dulcimer, at which time i'll record something with it and post it here on my blog.

meanwhile, as i get them each photographed and documented, i am going to start a dulcimer page on this blog that will chronicle my collection in the coming months. look for it in the tabs at the top of the page.  and as the pain in my foot decreases and i am able to focus on my stitching, i have a couple newly started projects on my workbench that i will be sharing in the coming weeks as well...

namaste'

a residue of time

"dark and silent

dreams settle

in the night like

a residue of time"

-d. joseph madl

while contemplating my collection  of burmese marionettes and indonesian wayan goleck (rod puppets), a thought intruded the quiet afternoon. unbidden. an unwelcome guest.  sitting in the corner. watching me squirm in discomfort. 

i have become complacent. 

lazy even.  

dust gathers on my workbench. a surface from whence once poured inspiration. like these puppets without a puppeteer,  i dangle uselessly in my studio. 

some thing 
must be done.