getting lost

"it's okay to get lost

every once in a while,

sometimes getting lost

is how we find ourselves..."
-robert  tew

ever wake up in the middle of the night and feel like you don't know who you are anymore? like you took one too many turns without being present and now nothing looks... right?

last night i woke into one of these moments and wandered into the sewing studio and just sat there. communed with a few of my stitched and dyed fragments. expressions, really, of self. tiny bits of who i am. or was. or am yet to become. who knows which?

i need to be present more. to myself. to the expression of my own fragments. i've wandered... strayed a bit too far. become lost. 

it's time to find me again..

namasté

changing perspective

"when i let go

of what i am,

i become

what i might be."

-lao tzu

these lovely rust dyed cotton fragments
were a gift from a delightful follower
on instagram (@pwendy). this buddha is
joyfully sporting new threads until inspiration
moves them in another direction!

a comment i made to erik shipley of ship's manor on instagram the other day was very enlightening for me once it took root in my consciousness.  a simple statement made about my style of knitting. something i have said a thousand times about being a process knitter rather than being results driven. one of those *aha!* moments that suddenly through open the drapes that have shrouded my perception about my own creative style. not only am i a process knitter, but i am a process artist!

this was a very liberating realization. freeing me of years of self-judgment and ofttimes debilitating criticism about harboring a plethora of unfinished work. reminding me of the joy i experience in simply creating for the sake of creating, not to race to complete something for the sake of being done with it. the many creations that rest in various stages of growth are just that: resting in a stage of growth. of evolution. all a part of my enjoying their process of creation. no longer accusing. no longer judging. but celebrating whatever process they are in. whatever step they are at along the path each moment. rather like a reminder of the way i try to live my life. in the moment. not grasping and judging but enjoying. celebrating.

there is something to be learned from these emerging fragments of the creative process. something delightful and invigorating!

namasté

giving way

"the creative process

is a process of surrender,

not control."

-julia cameron

having these past few weeks off from work, i've been gifted with something very precious. time. time to contemplate. time to invest in myself. my surroundings. my art.  time for things i have had very little time for these past couple years.  while physical limitations have demanded that i find ways of creating things using a different process than i have become accustomed to, they have also encouraged me to think in new ways. as well as to re-discover old ways.

creatively, i find myself falling back onto past processes with cloth. oiling up the treadle machine and piecing blocks. like these hearts above.  traditional piecing. even traditional quilting fabrics, for i have an extensive collection of quilting fabrics that have languished while i have jumped headlong into salvage and repurposed cloth. ignored for no reason other than my desire to control how i express my creativity. to direct its every movement. stifling it along the way without even realizing it.

i have always been about control. control over myself. my process. my plans.  i know that this sense of control is an illusion. but it is an enticing illusion. full of empty promises that delight the self's desire to be at the helm.  i have seen how grasping for this sense of control can kill one's creativity.  throwing up fences and laying down rules. squelching any real sense of manifesting one's art. one's self.  one must find a way to surrender. to the moment. each moment. to allow the creative process to emerge. whether that creative process is enacted through artistic endeavours, one's employment, cooking a meal, or any other daily task of living.

it's all about the surrender. allowing. being.

namaste'

it'll drive you crazy, if you let it

these past several weeks for me have been a bit of a blur. no amazing artistic breakthroughs. no mind-blowing sparks of realization. they've simply been markers of a string of ordinary events. drizzly rain on cloudy days. a bit of sun and mom and dad's. the long drive from here to boise and back again. more drizzly rain and cloudy days. and through it all a trail of half-formed ideas and addled musings that never quite seem to make it to the surface of the creative pool...

to pass the time and keep from going crazier than a one-eyed coon on a lopsided merry-go-round, i've been revisiting my musical instrument collection and sorting through my cloth stores. alternately, of course, since i seem to have the attention span of a retarded gnat lately so couldn't manage to focus on the two tasks at once.

this morning i was re-arranging my mountain dulcimer collection to make room for my cigar box guitars when a thought dashed through my foggy brain...  after a couple cups of coffee, i grabbed one of my favorite dulcimers (that'd be the one on the left...though i have so many favorites) and a couple of slides, then sat down to explore what it might sound like if i were to apply blues slide guitar techniques to the strings of a hillbilly instrument. a few hours...a several misguided turns, belly laughs, and a scared cat or two...later, here's what i came up with:

maybe there is a light glowing somewhere in the dark of this besotted tunnel?

namaste'

rediscovering my surroundings

for the past several months, i've realized that i have been nowhere except the cottage where i work and home. for fourteen to sixteen hours a day, i've been inside at work, and the rest of the short days have been spent either travelling between home and work, or in bed, attempting to catch up on my sleep. it is no small wonder why i have been creatively blocked lately.

this week i am seeing for the first time in months, my regularly scheduled work hours...without overtime or team meetings! this means i actually have three days off in a row!! having spent yesterday catching up on much needed sleep, i decided to take a ride around town and share with you the wonderful place in which i live.

billings is the largest and most populated city in montana. it serves as the regional trade center, transportation base, and medical hub. billings is nestled in a valley at the foot of four mountain ranges and is sheltered by a sandstone rim that runs pretty much straight through the entire town and nourished by the yellowstone river.

these views are from the top of the rims, alongside the airport. as you can see, the city stretches out for what seems forever under the big sky of montana. though our idea of a "big city" differs, i'm sure, from what most people think of as one, seeing as our population hovers around a meager 84,000+ residents. fortunately for us, this gives billings a wondrous small-town sense of safety and country friendliness not available in what most folks think of as a "big city." it's a place where vast ranches and lush farmland mix comfortably with tall office buildings (granted, there are only a few), and where horse trailers can be seen as frequently as diesel buses. we boast the finest of medical facilities in the four state area, museums, landmark attractions, symphony, opera, local theater, fine dining and more.

as beautiful as all this is, i have decided, however, to live outside the city's limits. in all my travels, i've had my fill of big cities and enjoy living on the outskirts...affording me the opportunities of a big city, but the quiet of the country at the same time. fifteen miles outside of town, just a short stroll down the road from my house, the countryside opens up into vast farmland, currently planted predominantly with corn.

jumping on the back of my vintage kawasaki and the short ride of a mile or two and these farms begin to give way to ranches...

though, closer to home, you are more likely to find small farms and pastures...

so i am surrounded by natural beauty, gorgeous countrysides, and innumerable opportunities for inspiration! i only have to get outside and soak it up! somewhere, i lost this focus. i used to spend countless hours walking along side the yellowstone river. riding the old bike out into the country, exploring roads that i had not yet been down. walking downtown, watching people and soaking up the historical offerings of an old western town. recording thoughts in spoken word on my ipod and sketched ideas in my art journal. or just taking my guitar up on the rims or out into the countryside and noodling around on the strings while the dogs romp and play without fences to hinder them. instead, i've allowed myself to be boxed in by walls. but today, with you along for the journey, i've begun to break out of those walls and rediscover my surroundings!

thank you for joining me...

namaste'